I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Who did Billy Mays play for?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
