Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
