3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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