either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
