just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
