We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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