Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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