Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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