I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
being pregnant is like rehab
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
