I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
