Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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