So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
