I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
