If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
