Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
