Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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