this beer tastes like vomit already
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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