She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
