Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
