I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
