these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i drank out of a bidet.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
