barbara walters just said penis...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
