Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Is it because I queefed?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
