They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
