I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
third nipple confirmed
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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