Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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