We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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