he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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