new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
