I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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