we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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