I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
