I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
