Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You pole danced in your parka.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
