3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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