It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
