Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
