Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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