I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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