You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
