Please, let me fuck your mom
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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