what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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