my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
