My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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