I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
