He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
