if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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