I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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