your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Randomize
