it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
