Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
