Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
