So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She announced her abortion via fbk
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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