Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
