I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
