i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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