my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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