Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
