After last night, I could never be a politician.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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