the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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