I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
