Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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