Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
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we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
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passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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